I don't have a future figured out.

I'm not trying to find faults here. Neither do i want to purposely insult a few. I know i'm not in a position to say much but i'm doing it prolly because human don't really get the bigger picture. As a third person point of view, i'm telling you i do. Take it as i'm generalizing, not pin-pointing. From a personal note to anyone who's making life sound pretty miserable in every/most of their post. And for my random ramblings as i've not been sharing much of my thoughts for months. Life is not complicated as we made it sound to be. It's either this or that. We all should know that life is just too short to hate someone so much. And it is even not worth it to sadden over something totally not worth your tears, time and mind. I'm not good at telling you specifically what should be done because it doesn't works the same as other individuals. Please, take a step back and think about what went wrong with you. Let's not blame others. For whatever happen could have been prevented somehow. We tend to overlook certain factors and start pointing fingers at each other. Because no one loves to take the blame. I'm a perfectionist and for most of my also perfectionist friends, we deny whatever problems we're facing because we want to look good. We want readers to know that we're doing so good now. Why can't human kill their ego to save a friendship? Why can't we embrace and forget everything?

Frankly, to tell you what i'm feeling right now. I want to give this bitch a tight slap. I don't know. Why can't we human reflect ourselves well? We can say a pages of words of any gossips about whatever bitch but are we that so perfect to say such? I'm mad for god knows what reason. All i could say was 'is this woman mad or what?'. We need friends. I realize girlfriends fulfill my life. I started looking for real friends last few years when i know i am desperate for one. I found them one by one through blogger and it seems miraculously amazing at how bonded we are after eight years separation. My girlfriends came from different background in every aspect. But, we respect, accept and willing to create a friendship based on love, trust and laughter. How i finally able to prove to my bf that i'm not a loner. I used to have good friends and i still do have one. I'm doing the best i can to keep it going because i need them for a lifetime.

My bf. He plays a big part and he will always be my dearest one. I don't ask to be fallen in love with him. It was a moment of love, destiny and trust. I didn't hope to get a cranky, hyper bf because it is indeed a hell of a hard time to start believing in this man. No joke, but i had doubts with him. Because i can grow so tired of trying to get him to tone down. He can excitedly do the same routine day by day and constantly boast at how smart he is. Another no joke. And the only thing i could ask from him is to not stop loving me. I'm paranoid. From my previous relationship that didn't worked out because the whole love thingy died down. To my bf, i feel apologetic if i could not be someone you wish your mum would love or you would love me more if i was a carbon copy of kesuma. I can't cook. I really can't. I am wishing you could stop for once on this ican'tcookissue. And i wonder. Why cannot i be one? I am disappointed with myself too. Because i want to be the most perfect girlfriend for you. And, i love you for everything you are. Sometimes, i feel like i'm doing this because of other people's expections of me. I need time. You need to give me ample time to learn. I'm not your guaranteed house-wife. Take note. (:

I ended my random ramblings for today. Take your time to ponder. I am an emotional person. I need space to rant/shout/scream. I don't need any humble comments or nasty critics. Thank you.